Boundaries are crucial for self-care, positive relationships, and defining what you will and will not tolerate as behavior within your relationships. Boundaries are our defined expectations of ourselves and others in all kinds of relationships. This includes what we will or will not tolerate, accept, “put up with,” or walk away from. A boundary is defined as a limit or an edge that defines you as separate from others.
Still confused on boundaries?
Think of how you feel when someone stands too close to you, or – in your personal space. This can make you feel uncomfortable or fearful, or a host of other emotions and feelings. Defining out loud that this is your personal space, to avoid people from entering inside of your personal bubble, is an example of a boundary. Seeing someone close to entering your personal space and verbalizing that you do not want that, is stating your boundary.
Setting Boundaries
Defining your boundaries takes a good amount of self-awareness. We need to be clear about ourselves and what we are or are not comfortable with in certain situations or relationships. Setting boundaries with another requires communication skills, assertiveness, and clarity. This sort of assertiveness required does not mean that of making demands, but instead expressing your own feelings openly and respectfully.
Here are three steps for boundary setting:
Step 1. Be as clear and as straightforward as possible. Do not raise your voice.
Step 2. State your need or request directly in terms of what you would like, rather than what you do not want or like.
Step 3. Accept any discomfort that arises as a result, whether it is guilt, shame, or remorse.
For many adults who were raised by carers who showed them that expressing feelings or emotions were selfish, inappropriate, or a sign of weakness, setting boundaries can be very difficult and feel very hard to do.
Healthy Boundaries
Healthy boundaries are vital in all relationships and throughout situations in life. These are examples of healthy boundaries:
- Declining anything you do not want to do
- Expressing your feelings responsibly
- Talking about your experiences honestly
- Replying in the moment
- Addressing problems directly with the person involved, rather than with a third party
- Making your expectations clear rather than assuming people will figure them out.
Personal and Emotional Boundaries
Intimate relationships often require different sets of boundaries. When assumptions are made in a relationship, trouble is surely afoot. The key to having healthy intimate relationships is open and honest communication about ALL MUTUAL needs, expectations, desires, wants, and even dislikes. This means covering all topics – intimacy expectations, sexual needs and expectations, martial expectations, relationship expectations, etc.
This linked video from YouTube and posted by FlexTalk covers how to set and maintain healthy boundaries in relationships, marriages, and intimate relationships.
Sexual and intimate acts may require boundaries in new or “well-aged” relationships. Sexual boundaries are all about:
- How people touch your body — including over or under clothes and your body parts.
- How people see your body — such as being naked, partially naked, or dressed in a sexy way.
- How people treat you in sexual situations — including how they speak to you and what your relationship is.
- What you’re comfortable doing to others — such as what you touch on their body.
Sexual Boundaries
There are also specific boundaries to consider in any relationship or marriage where sexual activity could take place. Consider these boundaries:
Clothing Boundaries
- What clothes you want to keep on.
- What touching you do not want — including unwanted types of touch over the clothes and under the clothes.
Body-Part Boundaries
- Which of your body parts are off limits.
- What body parts of theirs you don’t want to see or touch.
- Example: “I’m into touching each other under our underwear, but I’m not ready to see you naked.”
Activity Boundaries
- What physical touch and kinds of sex you are comfortable with, such as heavy petting, fingering, hand jobs, and oral sex.
- What types of other sexual activities you’re comfortable with — such as taking photos, saying kinky nicknames, practicing BDSM, or involving other people.
- Example: “I really want to get naked and touch each other all over, but I’m not ready to go down on each other or have sex tonight. Also, you can call me [X], but I don’t like when you talk to me like [Y].”
If your partner disregards or puts up a fight against your sexual boundaries, be on the lookout for sexual coercion. Sexual coercion is a pressure or guilt feeling that someone else places upon you to be sexual in ways they deem fit – even if it is nothing you want to be a part of. Coercion can also occur when a person says “no” to any sexual act, and their partner guilt trips them, becomes angry, or threatens to leave unless they get what they want.
Miscommunications and misunderstandings can happen at any time between people who are intimate and sexually active with each other. This is why communicating needs, wants, desires, dislikes, boundaries, and absolute No’s should be done prior to any sexual act happening. Ironing out these details can save a lot of time, energy, and hurt feelings down the line.
Boundaries are a vital and healthy aspect of every relationship, friendship, or familial connection that you have. What you choose to accept and tolerate is your choice, just as the boundaries you create to keep yourself safe and secure are vital to you living a whole and happy life.
Citations:
The Intimacy Institute
Planned Parenthood
The Hotline
Dr. Ruth
Empowering Intimacy