For asexual individuals, intimacy can be understood beyond sexual attraction and encompass emotional, intellectual, and physical connections that do not involve sex. Asexual people may still experience pleasure from non-sexual physical contact like cuddling, kissing, massaging, holding hands, or sharing a bed. Open communication about boundaries and individual needs is crucial for building intimacy within relationships, as it allows for the creation of unique and fulfilling connections.
Asexuality is a sexual orientation noted by a lack of sexual attraction or a lessened desire for sexual activity. Neither choice nor medical ailment, asexuality is simply a part of someone’s identity. These individuals may experience other forms of attraction like sensual, romantic, or aesthetic. (AVEN)
So, what does it mean to be asexual?
Typically, being asexual means that a person has no desire to have sex or participate in sex acts. Of course, all asexual individuals are different, and there are multiple types of asexuality, so you would need to connect with your partner to know exactly how they feel. In some cases, a person will still be able to have sex with someone that they care deeply for as they know that the physical sexual connection means a lot to them, and in other cases, this may not be possible.
And how does a relationship work with an asexual partner?
Relationships with an asexual can work, but there will need to be heightened levels of communication and a desire to be completely open about boundaries, needs, and dislikes. Boundaries are important as they will help to define the limits of the physically sexual relationship and if either party is willing to participate in physical sex acts.
Having a asexual partner does not mean that they hate you, are judging you for your sexual needs, or that the relationship is destined for failure. This is why it is important, however, to openly discuss asexuality when entering relationships to both parties can make appropriate decisions per their needs and desires.
If I can’t be physically intimate with my partner, how can I connect with them?
There are many ways to connect with another human aside from physical intimate or sexual acts. It may take time to work through learning curves and understanding from your partner’s point of view, but with effort and patience you can get there! Remember these things when working on connection with your asexual partner:
- Don’t try to sway or change your partner. Asking them to be or do something that they are not comfortable with will not encourage connectedness. Questioning if they can try to “not be asexual” can leave them feeling dismissed, judged, and hurt.
- Come to terms with the understanding that their asexuality is not a personal attack. Their asexuality has nothing to do with you, other than you are in a relationship with them. If you are struggling with difficult feelings learning your partner is asexual, think of the challenges they must face daily knowing this is part of who they are in a world that does not recognize these differences easily.
- Try to understand your partner’s point of view. Openly communicating, asking questions, and conversating in a gentle, respectful, mature way will help you to better understand your partner and their needs.
- Communicate your needs. Openly and honestly discuss needs within the relationship of all parties involved.
- Define your relationship & relationship needs. These conversations will help you to set and understand boundaries with various physical intimate and sexual acts.
- Be open and honest. If this relationship is a solid one that you’re looking to take into the future, then be truthful and honest about all aspects of your needs, the relationship, expectations, goals, and efforts needed. Do not avoid the emotional aspects that will arise!
- Determine what level of intimacy and intimate acts that will happen in your relationship. There are many types of intimacy in this life and physical intimacy does not solely mean intercourse. Lean into the other types of intimacy to connect and strengthen your bond. If your partner is not comfortable preforming sexual acts on you, maybe they are okay with being with you while you perform sexual acts on yourself. This helps to keep the relationship bond without crossing any boundaries or adding undue pressure.
- Do not pressure your partner for sex. If you are aware your partner does not want to have sex it is best not to push, demand, or repeatedly ask. This type of sexual pressure can damage relationships.
- Speak up about your needs, too. If you have needs in the relationship, say them out loud. If your partner does not share the desire for physical intimacy, yet you want children, discussing these topics openly can help to stave off future upset and disconnect. If you need to have a physical sexual connection, discuss how you can get these needs taken care of in sensible ways.
- Educate yourself. Take the time to learn about asexuality via books, podcasts, medical professionals, or documentaries. Having a better understanding of the topic will help you to feel more empowered, connected to your partner, and open to moving forward.
- If asexuality isn’t for you, don’t drag it out. If you cannot quite grasp the concept or adjust to not being physically intimate with your asexual partner, take a good look at the whole picture and make sure you’re not just holding on to hopes that most likely will not change.
Being in a stable relationship with an asexual can be challenging, but it is entirely possible if the love, communication, and effort is there. If you are asexual trying to feel steady in a relationship, don’t give up! Help your partner learn and be patient with yourself!
Citations
Empowering Intimacy