Our society has programmed so many to believe that the simple word, “intimacy,” means only physical intercourse- which could not be farther from the truth! Intimacy is anything but simple and is truly one of the most complex, under-discussed vital aspects of human nature and being.
While the world wants you to believe that intimacy is simple sex, intimacy is so much more. It’s your emotional connections, your shared experiences, knowing you are deeply, soul connected and supported, and loved. It’s the pleasure and passion you feel when doing activities and making memories with those who you are most connected to and share life with. And yes, in some cases, it can absolutely mean naked sex acts and intercourse. But it never HAS to involve being naked or doing intimate acts!
We are often asked how folks can be intimate when the last thing that they want to think about is being naked or feeling pressured to perform intimately or sexually. It can be very overwhelming and stressful to not feel like you “can” be intimate in the ways that you or your partner were “used to” prior to your diagnosis or life change. This type of stress can cause a pullback or withdrawal of a person even trying to receive or give any types of intimacy throughout their most challenging circumstances and times. This is why attempting intimacy acts in the most comfortable, laid back ways can be the best option for those who are struggling.
Various Methods of Creating Intimacy with your Clothes On
These suggestions are there for those who are struggling with working towards naked physical intimacy and want to start somewhere. Remember, you should never feel pressured to be intimate with anyone in any way unless you (and your partner) choose to do so.
- Communicate. It would seem simple enough to know that talking to your partner often helps every situation, even those related to intimacy and sex- yet talking is one of the last things that some people will resort to! Communication can help you to better understand and get to know your partner, creates a positive environment for deep conversation and working out issues, plus can help you to build better, stronger bonded intimacy in your relationship.
- Engage your Senses. Smell, sight, taste, touch, hearing- our amazing five senses. Engage in activities with your partner (or yourself!) that touch of each of these senses in various ways. Consider listening to new music together, remembering and finding the smells that you loved on your honeymoon vacation years before, or practice different forms of simple touch using various textured objects on areas of the body that are not seen as merely, “sexual.”
- Share a hobby or passion. Take the time to spend on a craft, hobby, or project where you can both work together. Or, if working alone on a solo project, create a plan and follow your plan as closely as possible to allow yourself to feel the accomplishment once you finish. This can help you to build self-confidence and intimacy!
- Touch. Touch can be calming, relaxing, connecting, intimate, loving, and so much more. “Touch” means nothing sexual or intimate. Touch can be as simple as a pat on the shoulder to let someone else know that you care, or a gentle hug to share emotions and connection.
- Clothes On Intimacy. For some people who are hesitant to be fully naked with another, literally leaving your clothes on for smaller intimacy and sexual acts may be a good starting point. Think back to your teenage years and how those first, quick encounters often went- quiet meetings, secret kissing, hands routing under shirts and into pants, before wrapping up the moment. There are even those who enjoy “grinding” each other with their clothes on while deeply kissing and connecting via touch.
- Role Play. Consider pretending like you just met your partner and begin working through getting to know them again as if it were a new relationship in this basic type of role play. This can be very helpful to those people who are working on body acceptance after cancer, illness, or surgical intervention, and can help them to feel more accepted after these major changes.
- Hold Hands. Such a simple act, yet one that can feel very intimidating when facing intimacy issues. Give this simple task a try while sitting on the couch together, while grocery shopping together, or when you are taking a walk outside. Sometimes the simplest tasks are the most meaningful.
Of course, what you need and choose to do to create intimacy for yourself and your partner is entirely up to you, and your partner. If the things that you do together to connect do not seem “normal,” no worries! There are not a ton of rules to follow when it comes to intimacy, just that all parties involved are aware of all details and have consented to whatever may be occurring.
Citations:
National Institutes of Health
Centers for Disease Control and Prevention