“Will an ostomy kill my sex life?”
“Will I be able to enjoy and experience intimacy after my stoma is installed?”
“Will my partner be turned off by my ostomy, stoma, or bag?”
“How will we do…. Things, now?!”
These are common questions asked by many ostomates in the beginning stages of adjusting to their newly installed stoma and wearable medical device while finding their footing on their path of life once again.
After any surgery or body change, facing intimacy or sexual needs can feel like the biggest, rockiest uphill climb, where you’re left without shoes on to overcome every obstacle all on your own in your bare feet. Having any medical device installed on your body can make this even more challenging. While ostomies do save lives and offer ostomates a chance of living once more, it does not come without its own fair share of challenges, body image issues, and difficulty finding your way back to fulfilling your intimacy and sexual needs.
Adjusting to the physical changes and device additions can be complicated, typically less than the mental adjustments required to get used to your new body. Learning as much as you can about your stoma (especially getting to know your output schedule), ostomy, and wearable bags and devices can help to ease the worry and build personal empowerment – which is often a driving force for humans to feel more confident in dealing with ugly, complicated situations.
Intimacy Focus & Things to Try in the Ostomy Adjustment Phase
First, there is no set time frame for making these adjustments or getting used to them. Each ostomate will need however much time they require to learn to cope and live again. Next, remember that everyone has needs and desires, and it is important to find and validate your own needs before moving on to or focusing heavily on the needs of a partner. Finally, work on these things as often as you can to help ease mental strain, work towards relationship connectedness, and getting back on the path of pleasure that you most desire – even with an ostomy!
- Self-Connection. Be sure you are giving yourself time, patience, and grace as you enter life with an ostomy. Take the time to enjoy the things that you used to or try new things and find new hobbies.
- Relationship Connectedness. In the stress and chaos of medical turmoil, relationships can take a direct hit, especially when communication begins to lag. There are many ways that a couple can be close and intimate without the pressures of intercourse, or naked sexual acts. Maintain your traditions and continue to make time for each other in the ways all involved need. Make extra time and effort when you can.
- Understand Intimacy. While physical intimacy and sexual intercourse are often the primary focus of discussion, there are over a dozen different types of intimacy that ebb and flow in our lives every day. When physical intimacy becomes difficult or cannot happen, falling into another type of intimacy can help to keep the relationship connected and strong.
- Communicate! With everyone, really. But especially your partner. Adjusting to having a partner with an ostomy will not be easy for them, either. By communicating about those worries, hopes, plans, needs, and desires, this keeps the communication lines open and flowing. Talking through tough situations, the worries of wearing a bag, or other crazy life situations helps find an outcome that works for all people involved.
- Work on Body Image issues. Body image is the way we feel about, think of, and imagine others think of what we look like, how or who we are, and how we act. A negative body image can have detrimental affects on healing and mental health. Learning about changing your body image to a more positive outlook is beneficial for whole living – although the process is different for every individual.
- Self-Discovery. After body changes, especially in or around the genitalia, sometimes the best way to get to know your body again is by touching, feeling, and checking things out with your own hands. This can be as simple as self-massage or go further into masturbation. BOTH are incredibly beneficial for the body, mind, and reconnection of the body and mind living with wearable medical devices.
- Communicate your Intimacy and Sexual needs. For many people, these needs and desires tend to change over time, especially after medical chaos and surgical interventions. By having these vital conversations PRIOR to the events taking place, this ensures that all parties are on the same page, working towards the same goals. These conversations can also cover things that don’t feel good or are not wanted, goals, fantasies, or anything that is deemed necessary for this intimate connection to grow.
Tips for Ease with Sexual Activity
In some cases, you might be ready to jump back in the sack but aren’t sure how to protect your stoma or bag, or how to feel sexy and intimate. The great news is that, for the most part, typically sex acts do not require too much “changing” to accommodate. Certain positions might be more difficult or out of the question, but typically for every position you can’t do, there is another that you can! Check in to these things if you are struggling to get started after getting an ostomy.
- Ostomy Support & Lingerie. If you’re worried about keeping your bag in one place and out of the way, wearing something like a support belt, ostomy belly wrap, or specially crafted lingerie which works to hold the ostomy pouch in sexy looking clothing. If you have developed a hernia after getting an ostomy, which is common, be sure to follow your doctor’s protocols to ensure your body stays safe during activity. Many times, this involves wearing a hernia-ostomy belt for ultimate support.
- Positioners. Bending isn’t always as easy with an ostomy, nor is it bending over and leaning on say a mattress, or pillows. Positioners are made to help gently allow the body to lay, bend, and rest in certain positions to make sexual acts easier to accomplish or sit through. Positioners can also help your partner to feel more confident in their hands-on actions with you, ensuring that they are not unintentionally harming your stoma.
- Stoma Guard. A stoma “guard” is a device that is designed to put a hard “shell” over the stoma by having a Velcro or sticky attachment to the ostomy bag itself. These guards are often “universal,” and work on many different types of ostomy bags.
- Make yourself feel clean. Before your intimate or sexual times begins, take the time to empty your bag and “clean up” your body as you see fit. Even people without an ostomy take this time to freshen up before sexual activity, so it is nothing to feel odd about. Use your favorite deodorant or perfume, use your body lotion or whatever brings you comfort and calm.
- Ambiance & Calm. Most often, mental health setbacks are the blockers that prevent intimacy and sexual acts from happening or being completed. By helping your mind and preparing a calm, inviting area, this can help to relax and reduce tension that can make these actions more difficult to want to participate in. One could use special lighting or dim the light, use a special scent in the air to relax the mind, and play gentle music in the background.
If you are still having trouble with intimacy or sexual acts, check out some of our other articles covering intimacy which answer more questions and discuss other scenarios.
Citations:
United Ostomy Association of America
Vegan Ostomy
Empowering Intimacy