Everyone deals with grief at some point in their lives, as grief is a common barrel of feelings, emotions, and happenings. Grief is most associated with the loss of a loved one, serious accidents or changes in our life’s routine, extreme stress, loss of relationships, loss of sexual function, and so many more reasons. Grief can appear at any time in any humans’ life, regardless of age. If you have lost something or someone important to you, you will face grief in some way. Grief is different for everyone.
Upon being diagnosed with cancer, grief is a normal, common, expected emotion to feel at varying levels throughout the entire process, into survivorship. Losses can range from tangible losses like body parts or hair, and intangible things like losing independence or your sense of self.
Understanding grief will help you to move in the right direction to manage and maintain in a healthy, whole way. Frustrations often arise when grieving isn’t accepted and ignored or rushed along. Think of the losses you face as wounds – the bigger the loss or wound, the longer the healing process and the grief that comes with it will last. Grief is the emotional response to the loss of something you love or cherish deeply (Oxford).
Predictable grief reactions are:
- Feelings of acceptance
- Feeling emotionally numb
- Mourning and depression
- Anxiety from distress of being separated from your loved one
- Being unable to accept the truth of the loss
Collateral losses are often felt by all cancer patients. Not being able to participate in typical daily activities, not being able to work a full-time job or at all, causing financial burdens, and many more types of losses. Uncontrollable life changes within the same time frame can cause preexisting feelings of guilt to grow and increase. Facing these feelings head on and not brushing them to the side is vital to your overall healing.
By giving yourself the time, you need to appropriately grieve future loses that have a major impact on your life, you can set yourself up to be more receptive and ready. Many are impacted by cancer treatment and their fertility is affected, hindering their ability to have children, they are unable to attend events, and miss out on many familial related happenings.
Knowing that someone is close to death is part of anticipatory grief. A cancer diagnosis can make the looming death of a loved one much louder than prior to diagnosis. People can use this time to think back on and reflect on their lives, circumstances, situations, and anyone who has previously succumbed to cancer. Resurgences of grief are common in these moments while someone works through the new feelings.
Cancer and illness can make mundane tasks and life events much harder to cope with and handle. People who experience the death of a loved one, friend, or even a pet during other stressful times may have more intense reactions to new stressors and grief.
The Process of Grieving
Loss is loss for everyone and the type of grief that you are going through will become a moot point, as the process for grieving any loss is normally the same.
- Adjust to a world without the person or thing that you lost.
- Accept the reality of the loss.
- Allow yourself time and space to experience and work through the emotions and pain of grief.
- Find a new way to form a connection to what you lost. Focus on how this lost person or thing can help you to move on through life and remember them or it fondly.
Grief is not as simple as just moving through “the stages.” Grieving is a unique process for every individual and circumstance. It is normal for grief to be more present during holidays, special days, or anniversaries. Those “first” celebrations after the loss may feel extra heavy, which is normal. You may face triggers throughout life that reignite your grief. Some people report having increased grief close to the date of their cancer diagnosis. Do not turn away from these moments. Embrace them in a healthy way and learn the coping mechanisms you need to move on with life.
Support Groups & Grief
Everyone grieves differently in their own time and in their own way. Sometimes a support group can be just what is needed to help recenter and connect with others experiencing the feelings of loss as you are. Family members and friends might mean well, but many do not often fully understand what you are feeling unless they have been through it for themselves in some way. Check in with your local hospital, your doctor, or your local hospice group for information about their local support groups for grief.
If you are struggling with feelings of grief, reach out to your medical care team, or find a therapist or counselor in your area to help you work through these feelings and learn how to enjoy and live life once more!
Citations:
American Cancer Society
National Institutes of Health
Empowering Intimacy
Erin’s House for Grieving Children
Oxford Dictionary