Many couples find themselves stuck in a sexual “rut,” or lost under the stressors of life unable to reconnect in the ways that they really want to. It can be more challenging to work through these “sexual blocks” when complicated situations arise, like cancer, long-term illness, or other major life changes. It is common to fall into these “ruts” in long-standing relationships, or even those new relationships without a solid base of connection.
Finding a good place to start can also feel daunting and overwhelming but can be done with focused effort and patience with yourself, and your partner. These seven steps can help you find a path to follow to begin working on resolidifying your sexual connection.
1. Check in with yourself first. So often we forget to start with ourselves and really taking stock of the things we want, like, dislike, or fear when it comes to intimacy and sex. As you journal these things about yourself, begin by defining what both ‘intimacy’ and ‘sexual connection’ mean to you. Next, consider what type of intimate or sexual acts you are or might be interested in trying with your partner. Finally, list the things that are off limits or that go beyond your boundaries in any situation. This will help you to build a solid foundation to begin to rebuild your sexual connection and needs.
2. Recognizing sexual blocks. For many individuals, sexual connection can be complicated by previous life circumstances, tense or stressful situations, childhood trauma, or otherwise. Ensuring that you acknowledge how these blocks could show up in your life and relationships can be beneficial for you to know how to better work through these issues. Ask yourself these questions:
-What makes me nervous?
-What makes me uncomfortable in an intimate situation?
-What intimate or sexual acts are a hard NO for me?
-Were there situations in my life that changed how I feel or felt about intimacy or sexual connection?
3. Encourage your partner to complete steps 1 and 2 on their own. As relationships require two people to work together, knowing how both people are feeling about intimacy and sexual connection is a vital step towards moving forward. If your partner is hesitant to work on these things, consider having a conversation about why this is important to you and your relationship, and why you think this will help to strengthen and build your bond.
4. Compare your lists together. This can be done in a multitude of ways, by simply exchanging lists (if conversation feels too difficult, complicated, or unpredictable), or scheduling a sit-down time to discuss these lists together in a judgment free zone. This is an important step in beginning to understand where your partner is coming from and their personal needs. Some things on these lists might be hard to hear or even feel shocking – but it is important to remember that these are just talking points in your journey to fully love yourself and your partner.
5. Create a safe, judgment free zone. When discussing personal and private topics about intimacy or sexual connection, it is vital for all parties to feel safe and secure without the fear of judgment. As you talk through your lists, ask questions about things you might not fully understand, or dive more deeply into the topics that you or your partner really want to explore. This might mean talking about specific sexual acts, like oral sex for example, and all that might go in to planning and carrying out that action. The more you understand the needs of your partner within a sexual situation, the more likely that sexual situation will go off without a hitch. Some of these topics might make you feel uneasy, so keeping an open mind is the way to go.
6. Start slowly. So often in relationships, the topics of intimacy and sexual connection can come on quickly, especially if one person suddenly begins to really crave that type of connection. When we dive in too quickly without verifying the depth of the waters, we risk permanent injury to ourselves, our relationship, or our partner. Work towards moving slowly through the steps of reconnection, conversation, establishing intimacy and sexual boundaries, and acting on those wants.
7. Schedule intimate and sexual connection time. By setting aside specific times to connect with your partner by practicing, doing, or learning some of the things on their intimacy and sexual connection desires list, you are ensuring that both you and your partner are rebuilding your relationship to a place where you both want it to be. Sure, spontaneous sexual times are fun and exciting but sometimes do not offer the focused connection that some are seeking. By having these specific times set up, this allows both partners to prepare and take the time to make things special.
Broadening Sexual Boundaries & Exploration
After you have conversed and connected about likes, dislikes, wants, needs and begun on working towards leaning about each other in an intimately sexual way, you can then move to begin adding or trying new things into your intimate and sexual routines. This list offers a wide range of things to try, learn, or act on with your partner to further broaden your sexual boundaries and desires.
- Enjoy acceptable PDA while out and about.
- Read erotic stories together.
- Watch sexually charged television or movies together.
- Try outdoor intimacy or sexual acts. (*Caution: Not in view of the public, or in public places!)
- Use sexual wellness devices, like vibrators, in front of your partner.
- Allow your partner to watch you pleasure yourself. (Which can also help them to learn about your likes.)
- Learn the art of talking dirty.
- Try new methods of oral sex or add in specialized devices or products to change things up.
- Try new methods of foreplay.
- Practice foreplay.
- Try verbal acts like phone sex.
- Consider sexting, but ensure you are practicing “sexting safety.”
- Include sensual acts in foreplay situations.
- Try sex acts in different places of your house, not just the bedroom.
- Try sexual acts with the lights ON.
- Learn about role play in sexual situations.
- Consider trying gentle restraints: handcuffs, ropes, ties.
- Learn more about gentle bondage: spanking, whips, paddles, sensation touch.
- Make your own “porn” video.
- Try food play but keep food items OUT of any body holes. (Do not insert food items into the anus or vagina.)
- Lingerie can help one feel sexy and mysterious, and undressing a partner can be very stimulating and sexy.
- Incorporate using sexual devices together during your activity.
Of course there are many, many other types of things that you can do individually or as a couple to help build and strengthen sexual bonds. Remember to always be respectful, patient, and keep an open mind! Intimacy and sexual pleasure are bonuses to solid relationships and should not be left out of the reconnection equation!
If you are struggling with connection, feel free to reach out to our team for more guidance or direction.
Citations:
Empowering Intimacy