The feelings of emptiness in your chest and mind.
The feelings of being directionless and lost.
The intense feelings of worry and resentment.
All of these feelings, and more, are a normal part of grief and grieving after a new medical diagnosis. With each diagnosis, the loss of the individual’s “normal” sense of life and living is altered and changed. A variety of life situations, reasons, and things can cause grief in a person’s life. Chronic long-term and progressive illnesses, along with cancer, can also trigger these grief-filled feelings (CDC).
For many people, the grief that comes with new diagnoses can completely derail their lives due to the unexpected heaviness and stress present in these moments. This medical grief is fast, complex, and runs deep within he body and mind (NIH). The five stages of grief are a great place to begin to understand the different levels to be worked through.
Stage One: Denial
Denial is the simple act of rejecting the reality of the situation. This is often the first stage for many because it is easy to doubt the diagnosis, or change. At this point of the new diagnosis, it is easier to fight reality and believe that it is simply not true. We may tell ourselves that it is not happening because we lack “all” of the noted symptoms or side effects. We may work to cope in our every life by downplaying the things we are experiencing, like:
- rejecting pain
- ignoring symptoms
- hiding symptoms from loved ones
- pushing through the health issues as though everything is okay
- doubting yourself and the validity of your concerns
For people who have not experienced heavy medical trauma or stress, it may be difficult to understand why denial is so common, and often so strong in those who are working through this stage. Many long-term and chronic conditions cannot be cured, so treatments only numb certain side effects and problems. Being in denial is a normal feeling and normal stage in the grief process. It is also a stage that is revisited as the process of grieving circles back around.
Stage Two: Anger
Anger can boil up in our lives for a multitude of reasons or wrongs. In the medical world, missed diagnosis, being gaslit by medical professionals, not having accessible or affordable treatment options, and new diagnoses can trigger this stage. Anger can be something that is projected outward to others, or inward, creating a more stressful internal environment for yourself. It is normal to feel angry about the life changes that you had no choice in making, and how these things will now change your everyday life.
If you are feeling anger or discontentment after diagnosis, reach out to your medical care team or mental health professional to ensure you have the tools to keep a handle on these big, normal emotions.
Stage Three: Depression
Depression and grief could be siblings or best friends. They are usually always together, accompany each other to stressful events, and wreak havoc on future plans. In heavy medical situations, knowing the signs of depression, and having a productive support system can help to ward off extreme issues.
Seeking out an advocate or counselor when you feel that you cannot control or deal with your depression, or meeting with your medical doctor and team to discuss prescription options, might be the way to go for your situation.
Stage Four: Bargaining and Negotiation
In this stage, we address the possibility of a wrong diagnosis, the “what if’s,” and the “maybe if I had done….” thoughts regularly. This stage gives us the chance to ask, “if I do this, will it make things better?” Or “maybe if I try this treatment, things will change.”
In some cases, this stage can feel like denial, but it is not. We know that we cannot change the past, so we work to change certain aspects of the future to make things feel or seem better. Many people with chronic illness work to negotiate with their symptoms every day to find some semblance of life and living. Bargaining with grief often reoccurs as health conditions continue to evolve and worsen (NIH).
Stage Five: Acceptance
Acceptance is coming to terms with the chronic illness, cancer, or other medical issue that is altering your normalcy. Numerous research studies have proven that coming to terms with an illness or medical stress can help to reduce the severity of physical and mental pain (CDC). This acceptance allows you to find a forward-progressing path to accept treatment and healing in your life.
This acceptance does not mean that you are okay with the things that you are okay with, or happy about, the things happening to your body and in your life. Acceptance does not equal or mean contentedness (NIH). The relationship we have with our bodies is personal, unique, intimate, complex, and always changing.
The stages of grief do not always flow in a specific order. In some cases, a person might start out at stage three, and move backwards through the numbers. Some people might avoid certain numbers altogether, like those who are able to be content with diagnosis upon diagnosis. Every person and every situation is different. Every grief journey is unique to you (APA).
Remember to accept the stages of grief as they roll in to your life and seek help with a licensed healthcare professional if the stages begin to affect or alter your every life, or basic abilities to take care of yourself.
Citations:
National Institutes of Health and Human Services
Centers for Disease Control and Prevention
American Psychological Association
PPG Behavioral Health