For those individuals who have autism, intimacy and sexuality can be some of the hardest challenges within relationships to conquer. Many struggle with these things because it involves handling sensory experiences, mixed with complex feelings of relational and communicative connection, and trying to manage figuring out how to deal with the sexual feelings and needs of a partner.
Typically, autistic people are interested in intimacy and sex as much as anyone else. Autism does not drastically impact interest, but it can affect how one expresses themselves, or how comfortable they are with expression. Sex can be an overload for those with autism due to the amount of stimulation, both mentally, emotionally, and physically – which might make approaching the topics or the acts more challenging.
Some of the other intimacy and sex related challenges autism could bring are:
- Hypersensitivity. Intimacy and sex can both involve physical touch and many with autism are sensitive to tactile experiences, which can trigger very strong reactions to even minor stimulation. The touch sensitivity that many face are linked to higher rates of painful sex, ejaculation problems in men, and loss of libido and/or desire. To overcome these barriers, openly communicating with a partner about touch needs, desires, and dislikes can help to ease the sensation overload.
- Hypersexuality. This condition refers to the individual that gets hyper-focused on sex and sex acts and thinks about it regularly. If one partner becomes hypersexual, this can strain the relationship. For many with autism, becoming hyper-focused on things is “easy,” and the challenge becomes learning how to work through the constant sexualized thoughts. Many turn to masturbation or other forms of sexual stimulation.
- Communication. Communication problems are common with those who have autism, and more so when discussing intimacy and sexual acts. It is common for autistic people to completely avoid these conversations in relationships and seek out pleasure or relief in other ways – which can destroy relationships. Communication problems can also lead to inappropriate sexual relationships, especially for those in young adulthood, as they learn to live with and have relationships with others.
- Educational Barriers. Maintaining focus can be challenging as it is common to have mental fog or get lost in conversational topics or situations, and this occurs due to the challenges of processing information, as autism makes it harder to focus on one specific topic at a time. Sex education is a vital part of life and learning and can really help to set those with autism on the correct path when it comes to relational intimacy and sexual acts. Sexual education should begin in childhood and continue into adulthood.
- Understanding Public and Private Behaviors. Social behaviors are a very complex topic for those with autism when dealing with intimacy and sex. An autistic individual may overstep certain societal boundaries due difficulties understanding social cues or constructs regarding sex.
Helping Autistic Individuals Recognize Sexual Feelings
Effective communication can be difficult so approaching the topics of intimacy and sexuality is most often best effective when done by a trusted partner, family member, or close friend. These interactions can truly make or break how an autistic individual handles intimate and sexual situations.
These are suggestions for helping your autistic person to better understand their own sexuality.
- Educate Them about Sex. Offer to help your person learn about the basics of sex education and body awareness. This can be done by using a method that best suits your person (written articles, videos to watch, etc.) which will help them to feel safe to ask any questions they may have. Sex education is important because it helps to address intimate touch, appropriately share sexual thoughts, and communicate honestly with a partner. Sex education also helps individuals better understand healthy sexual behaviors and acts.
- Encourage Open-Mindedness about Sex. With as complex of a topic as sex is, it is important to encourage open-mindedness. Encourage flexible and fluid thinking when it comes to intimacy and sex. Be open about the fact that sex is not always straightforward and simple, and that this is normal and okay.
- Be nonjudgmental. Be open with your person and let them know that you are there for them to lean in to and ask those questions without fear. Those with autism and neurotypical minds require a judgment-free zone to thrive. Give positive statements and reinforcement, encouraging your person to continue learning.
- Work Out Plans. The complexity and spontaneity of sexuality can be very confusing. Explain and show your person what boundaries are and look like, and how they are beneficial in relationships.
How to Enjoy Sex with Autism
These are tips for navigating intimate and sexual relationships with autism.
- Open and Honest Communication. By sharing what your needs, feelings, and desires are with your partner, this helps them to better know what you want. Effectively communicating and being specific can help to see those sexual acts and situations through to the end.
- Learn your Sexual Likes. Intimacy and sex are meant to be enjoyed, shared, and craved. Taking the steps to get to know your own body, pleasure zones, and likes can help you to feel connected to and with your partner and the situation. For some, engaging in fantasies or role playing can also help them to feel more grounded and connected in sexual situations.
- Set Health Boundaries. Understanding and maintaining personal sexual boundaries are vital for successful relationships and connections. Determining each person’s boundaries prior to sexual events happening is the best way to roll. For many autistic individuals, having a safe word (a word used in times of distress or when the person wants to stop a sexual act immediately) is created and used.
- Get Comfortable with Messiness. Facts are facts, sex is messy. If not just the bodily fluids alone, adding in things like lotions, lubrications, and massage oils just make it that much more intense. If sensory issues are a problem, this can create a bit of a block for intimacy time. You might need to ease into these “messier” acts and have a set plan for how clean up will happen.
- Practice Safe Sex. Safe sex is vital for overall health and maintaining a steady life. Using protection is vital to prevent the exchange of bodily fluids and prevent unwanted pregnancies or sexually transmitted infections. Condoms and dental dams are most often used, and the best way to begin incorporating them into your sexual routine is to practice. Practice putting them on. Practice taking them off. Practice feeling the sensations that using them bring. The more those with autism can learn and prepare before an event, the better off and more secure they will be.
- Attend Sex Therapy. Sex therapy can be a great resource for those who need help with communication, understanding, and learning better ways to connect and move in a relationship. Finding a therapist that also works with autistic individuals is best, but in some cases even a therapist without this specialty can help to get things back on track.
Intimacy and sex are important, unavoidable parts of a relationship and having autism does not mean these things are impossible. Being patient with yourself and your partner, taking the time to learn at the pace you need, and easing in to intimate and sexual situations can help to maintain a level head, and a bonded, strong relationship. Addressing these issues might feel uncomfortable at first, but as you get used to the practice, you might find that you’ve stumbled upon your own intimacy & sexual path that brings you to your sexual freedom.
If you have questions about addressing intimacy and sexuality with autism, please reach out to our team or check out the resources on our website.
Citations
Empowering Intimacy
National Institute of Health and Human Services
Psychology Today
BetterHelp