Desire discrepancy, or sex drive discrepancy (SDD), is a common problem, and can be a complete deal breaker, within many relationships around the world. In situations where one partner’s sexual needs do not align with their partners, this is called sexual interdependence dilemmas.
Statistics from a 2017 study done by the Centre for Sexual Health Research showed that 34% of women and 15% of men land themselves in a relationship where sexual needs and desires do not align. (CfSHR).
What is Sex Drive?
Sex drive, or desire, are the internal feelings and thoughts that occur when people behave sexually or engage in sexual activities. This drive varies from individual to individual, and this desire often changes as we age and throughout our lives.
There are two main types of sexual desire and one descriptive type:
- Responsive Sexual Desire. This desire is a response to mental or physical stimulation, not from the anticipation of it. Responsive sexual desire is a deliberate process that occurs after stimulus like watching a sexually charged scene on the television, or if your partner touches you. This causes a human to feel desire for sex.
- Spontaneous Sexual Desire. This type of desire happens randomly, with or without stimulation. This desire backs the claims that sexuality begins with desire, followed by excitement, finally leading to orgasm. 70% of men have this type of desire, while only 10-20% of women do (Medical News Today).
- Asexuality – Zero Desire. Those who are asexual, or who do not desire any type of intimate or sexual interaction, do not feel either type of desire.
What can alter my Sex Drive?
Many, many things can alter sex drive throughout the years of our lives. Some are natural parts of aging and others are caused by medical conditions, accidents, relationship connectedness, and societal and religious aspects.
- Medical Conditions & Issues. For men and women, hormones play a huge role in desire and libido, as do mental health issues like depression, anxiety, and the fear of intimacy. For those who lack motivation and drive, they may be facing hypoactive sexual desire disorder (or HSDD). Some prescription medications can also cause desire issues.
- Personal factors. Some factors like self-esteem, confidence, and relationship stress can lessen desire. The level of attraction you feel for your partner and identity within your relationship also play a role.
- Interpersonal Factors (within long-term relationships). Communication is key when solving relationship connection issues. If communication is struggling, it’s nearly guaranteed that intimacy is also lagging. Relationship satisfaction, lacking emotional intimacy, and compatibility also help dictate desire levels.
How do desire issues hinder relationships?
Sexual connection is a vital part of being in a steady, solid long-term relationship for many individuals. If the levels of desire between partners are mismatched, it can lead to a tumultuous relationship with bouts of negativity and hard feelings.
For many, the partner who extends themselves seeking sexual pleasure and connection feels rejected, which turns into resentment for their partners. Those with low sex drives carry heavy feelings of guilt, overwhelm, that they are pressured, and will never live up to their partners needs.
Managing a Relationship with Sex Drive Discrepancy
While learning to maintain this dynamic of relationship can be very daunting and take effort, time, and patience to work through issues to reconnect, it is possible to do!
- Learn to be open, comfortable, and supportive when talking about sex. These are sensitive, personal subjects, more so when there are sexual dysfunction or connection issues present. Learning to be respectful of each other’s feelings, insecurities, desires can help to keep conversations smooth and easy.
- Be understanding. Even if you do not fully understand or agree, it is vital to support your partner if your desire is to keep your relationship alive. By expressing empathy through validation, listening, and controlling ugly feelings and emotions, this can help to better navigate these uncharted waters.
- Be open to compromise. In some cases, some people are just not as sexual as their partners. A person with low or no libido can still meet their partner halfway by engaging in intimate or sexual acts that have been pre-discussed that they are okay with and have consented to. Those couples with high levels of supportive communication often work to find a compromise early on in their relationship. There are many alternatives to sexual acts if one or another is not preferred, typically there can be approved put in its place.
- Redefine Sex. Many people forget that sex is not only penetrative acts. There are many ways “sex” can happen between two individuals depending on how it’s defined within their relationship.
- Schedule time for intimacy and/or sexual acts. Life is busy, stressful, and endless. Sometimes life itself is the blocker for people when it comes to making time for intimacy and sexual connection. Setting and specific date, or planning an special evening in advance could be just the thing to take some of the anxiety and stress out of a sexual encounter for those who lack desire.
When is Help Warranted?
If your relationship is one you’d like to keep and work on into the future, then reaching out to medical professionals is the way to go.
First, each person should verify that their issues are not medically related. This can happen by visiting a primary care doctor, having a physical test done to verify you are physically sound.
Next, reach out to a mental health professional personally, and find a sex therapist with your partner. This will help you navigate the mental health aspects that might be holding you back.
The important thing to remember is finding common ground, or “meeting in the middle.” This is vital for any relationship to make it to ensure both parties have their needs met in healthy ways beneficial to all involved.
Citations.
Empowering Intimacy
Medical News Today
Psychology Today
Study Link: Center for Sexual Health Research (CfSHR) https://bmjopen.bmj.com/content/7/9/e016942.info