Are you someone that struggles to open up to another sexually?
Do you stumble over sharing things about yourself with others?
In personal conversations with friends, do you hold back for fear of judgment or rejection?
The fear of intimacy has many names like avoidant personality disorder, or intimacy anxiety disorder, philophobia- which is the fear of love, or aphenphosmphobia- which is the fear of being touched. “Intimacy avoidance” and “avoidance anxiety” are more terms linked to the phrase, “fear of intimacy.” For those who are facing these issues, learning about the causes and finding your personal triggers are the first steps in working through these fears and roadblocks.
Those who struggle with being afraid of intimacy and intimate situations do not usually choose this path, and many of them truly want to have these connections with others. In most cases of intimacy avoidance, a therapist, counselor, or medical professional must help to intervene. Research studies and patient reports show that those who are dealing with this intimacy avoidance feel that they are “internally broken” and do not think they are “competent enough to maintain relationships.” (NIH) Others feel that they are sabotaging their own lives and relationships.
There are many causes that can lead to a person having fear of intimacy and closeness with others, and most stem from childhood experiences or traumas. Severe emotional traumas and high levels of uncontrolled anxiety, even domestic violence or relationship stress can heighten these issues with intimacy. Self-loathing and hatred have also been directly linked to this avoidant behavior. Working through this fear can take a lot of personal work, relationship work, patience & time- but ultimately understanding yourself on a deeper level and working to level these issues can help to make your life more livable!
Finding Intimacy
Intimacy depends on the ability to deeply connect and share who you are with another person and often relates to the experiences of connection and closeness. There are numerous types of intimacy that we can find in our lives, and the most common are:
- Physical: The ability to share yourself physically or sexually with another.
- Intellectual: The ability to share your thoughts and ideas with another.
- Emotional: The ability to share your feelings with another.
- Spiritual: The ability to share your beliefs beyond your own self, in a higher power, or individual connection with others in the world.
- Experiential: The ability to share experiences with another. (Intimacy Institute)
There are over a dozen types of intimacy that can touch a person in their everyday lives. The fear of intimacy can include one type of intimacy, or a mix of many of the different varieties.
Intimacy Avoidance is…
Intimacy avoidance is different from the fear of vulnerability, which many people often confuse or intertwine. Someone who is living with the fear of intimacy may be comfortable being vulnerable and showing themselves at first, but there are often limits that are sometimes known and other times un-shared that the person must face. For those who avoid intimacy due to fear, the problem most often begins with a relationship that begins to get too intense, too real, or the person is getting “too close” to the other.
Triggers of Intimacy Avoidance and Fear…
There are many triggers that can cause intimacy avoidance and these things can happen at any time in life. Abandonment and engulfment are typically the two major triggers, and the fear of loss are often all at the center of this type of avoidance. These fears seep in during childhood events or traumas that last into their adult lives and connections. This intimacy avoidance is also strongly linked to severe anxiety disorders. These different fears are described below by the NIH.
- The Fear of Abandonment. These people worry about being left and abandoned by their significant others. This often stems from being emotionally abandoned by parents or support people in early childhood.
- The Fear of Engulfment. Those who have a fear of engulfment worry that they will be dominated, controlled, or “lose themselves” in their relationships. This fear often stems from growing up in an enmeshed, emotionally unavailable family.
- Anxiety Disorders. Certain social phobias and social anxiety disorders can worsen the overall fear of intimacy. Those who are afraid of judgment, rejection, or being evaluated by others are more likely to avoid intimate, personal connections in their personal lives or in the workplace.
- Certain people may also have worsened fear of intimacy is they also have a fear of being touched, or haphephobia.
- Some people may be comfortable in some social situations, with limited people or only those people they are the most comfortable with, or those people who they do not have any personal or deep connection with. These people may look like they have no fear at all.
- The fear of intimacy can be very difficult to detect in others in our society that is so technological and allows people to hide behind their computer screens. (NIH)
Risks for Those afraid of Intimacy…
There are many risk factors that coincide with the fear of intimacy, many of which can make the feelings more intense. Some experiences that may increase the overall risk of a person having intimacy avoidance are:
- Dysfunctional families: While dysfunctional families may, on the surface, appear to be loving and supportive, boundaries and roles might be blurred and lead to issues with attachment, independence, and intimacy.
- Parental illness: Illness in a parent can result in a feeling of not being able to rely on anyone but oneself, especially when it involves role reversal or the need to “play parent” and care for other siblings at a young age.
- Neglect: People who experienced neglect as children may find it difficult to trust and rely on others, including intimate partners, as adults.
- Emotional neglect: Parents who are physically but not emotionally available send the message to children that they (and by extension, others) can’t be relied on.
- Loss of a parent: People who have lost a parent through death, divorce, or imprisonment may be left with feelings of abandonment and may have a harder time forming romantic attachments as adults. Research has found that a fear of abandonment is associated with mental health problems and later anxiety in romantic relationships.
- Parental mental illness: Research studies state that parental mental illness, such as narcissistic personality disorder or severe depression, can affect attachment formation in children, which may result in insecure attachment and poor coping strategies in adulthood.
- Parental substance use: Substance use issues can make it difficult for parents to provide consistent care, which can interfere with the formation of attachments.
- Physical or sexual abuse: Abuse in childhood can make it difficult to form both emotional and sexual intimacy as an adult.
- Verbal abuse: Children who are emotionally or mentally abused may grow into adults who fear being ridiculed or verbally abused if they share anything with others, which can lead to an inability to share and be vulnerable in relationships with other people. (Intimacy Institute; NIH)
Intimacy avoidance is most common in those folks who are taught to never trust anyone, those with a history of depression, and in people who have experienced any form of rape. Traumatic experiences and interactions within relationships or partnerships outside of the immediate family can also contribute to intimacy avoidance.
Your doctor or mental healthcare professional can help you to work through issues with the fear of intimacy, and dive into the depths with you as to why these issues exist for you in the first place. You can learn to better control this fear, discuss it as needed in your relationships, and feel a better connection to yourself and the life you want to live.
Citations:
National Institute of Health
Center for Disease Control
Intimacy Institute
Websters Dictionary
Note: This article is for informational purposes only with information compiled from numerous major health sources listed in the citations. Please consult your medical team for your situation or concerns.